I feel safe enough to try to listen when we argue
#ThingsYouCantUnsay #BreakingUp
We sat at the table, and we argued. It was tense.
I felt triggered.
But I’m healing.
I broke up with her almost a year ago, and couple’s therapy since then has included some of the darkest and most painful moments between us, as I slowly came to accept that even if her pain seemed to come from what I experience as an illegitimate claiming of parts of my identity and the way I express it, I could clearly observe how deeply she was wounded, and I grieved being party to her wounds. I hope she has seen the same about me.
Healing doesn’t mean I’m all better, that my triggers have no power over me. I’m learning to understand my triggers and notice when they activate, and I’m learning that I’m actually safer with her than I thought I was. And I’m learning that we don’t need to predicate growing as a family on healing the wounds in the relationship we had.
We argue in front of the children, now. We let them see our disagreements. I want them to know that people who care about each other sometimes disagree. To show our children what it looks like to care about someone you don’t agree with and to try to understand their perspective. I’m still practicing actually doing that, but even that growth is important to share with our children.
I want so very much to help our children grow into adults who know what it looks like to care about themselves, and to be in relationships of mutual respect with people they care about.
I’m proud of how much I’ve grown since I chose to truly center myself, to care about my needs. I’m still learning how to be myself and be the better parent and co-parent I want to be, and choosing this path made it possible.
