I wrote this at workshop today.

I am the candle you allowed to go out
you would bind yourself to me but you’d never
bleed for me
and if you had fifty million words to say what you
meant
or anything at all
you’d ramble on, talking in circles
and in your haunted sound and your fury, you’d say
nothing –

did I ever mean a goddamn thing to you?
was I nothing more than another withering body in your bed,
another meal, another drink, another drug,
another stepping stone in your unanswered,
unmatched ambition?
there’s no way to tell now in this optimized
emptiness, is there?
I’ve tried to see through the cage of your lies
one too many times
so now I go about my petty tomorrows and you go about
yours on opposite sides of this compound fracture town
we are all bleeding at the seams
at the end of the day, aren’t we?

I don’t think fate was involved anymore
only hunger clawing at your insides
and when you finished devouring me in your
desperation, you corroded your soul
with something and someone else
another victim wrapped too tightly in your spell
who are you drowning with now?
of course they won’t see that the cords wrapped
around their neck aren’t love until far too late
of course they won’t have words for how you’re drinking
them dry, and
of course you won’t tell me their name
but I’ll hear their screams through
the grapevine anyway

out, out
brief candle
again and again
oh, that I would have
died hereafter
after what you did to me
but
watch me rise like the morning star
instead
burn out
shimmer and fall
knowing you can never again
touch me

-Castor 2/1/2026

I made these today.

-Castor

1985 The Iron Sheik #2

https://cards.blackcatwhitehatsecurity.com/viewCard.cfm?cardID=117

#Iron #Sheik #Wrestling #theHobby #Cards

I ran a round of my poetry TTRPG with Sheik and this was my result.

Here’s the RPG!

-Allēna

#cptsd #NEISvoid #poetry #poetryTTRPG #poetsofmastodon #Processing #queerart #queerpoet #queerwriter #Sheik #spilledink #spilledwords #transmasc #transpoet

#FabianaUdenio

Season 3 Episode 18 "Stakeout at Surfrider Beach"

#RandomBaywatch #lvdlpx #Baywatch #BaywatchBabes #EyeCandy #Sexy #Boobs #Beach #The90s #Sheik #Horse #Sun #BaywatchBoobs #SexyWomen #HotChicks #Knockers #Hooters #Headlights #Boobies #Bikini #Beauty #BikiniBeauty #Harem #StakeoutAtSurfriderBeach

This appeared to me in a vision.

And to make it even funnier, I said it to Sheik, who immediately asked me if I was a potato.

When I asked her why, she said she would smash me.

How is that woman so damn smooth?!

-Allēna

#bespokeBullshit #Bluesky #meme #potato #Sheik #Shitpost #Zelda #ZeldaSystem

Down Every Rabbit Hole, Everywhere

Hey, everyone. Lazarus again, back once more with your daily dose of bullshit, hehe. It’s been a slow day so far, both in my brain and otherwise. If you guessed that insomnia is still sort of kicking my ass, you got it in one. But being tired can have its advantages, namely that it makes me fucking funny. Do I have less object permanence than normal, though? Absolutely. I’m losing every single worldly possession of mine over here.

Sheik of the Zelda System is gaming beside me after binge watching several episodes of Supernatural season seven, as has winding our way through that absolute shit show become our tradition on their days off. So I’ve got my headphones on and am simply seeing where my brainhole takes me. We both appeared to have great dates last night, them with our mutual beloved Emerson (and the leftovers I received were fucking amazing, as well) and I had a great virtual date with my darling Autumn. They’re wickedly funny, and kept making me cackle with laughter midsentence. I had needed that date, to be honest. It had been a few weeks since our last one and I missed them something fucking fierce. There’s been much less drama and fewer trashfires of late, and times like these remind me that polyamory is truly a wonderful experience. No regrets. I can’t ever go back, even when shit gets rough. I’m just not built that way.

Now, seeing as my mind feels like pudding that has been repeatedly electrocuted, I’m probably gonna leave y’all for the day. Will my brain let me fucking sleep? Probably not. Am I about to go down a research rabbit hole trying to figure out who a certain actress was in an episode of Supernatural? Oh yeah. That’s been on the agenda since I first saw the actress and recognized her as the same actress who plays Kaylee Frye in Firefly, haha. My brain needs to DEFINITELY be stopped. At least I’m attempting to rest, right?

[crickets chirp faintly in the distance]

Anyway. Before I go, memes. I can’t just skitter away without DEPRIVING y’all!

Stay tuned for more magic, y’all. And tomfuckery. There’s always that.

Your eternally insleepriated sorcerer,

-Lazarus

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#AutumnThePartner #Emerson #ibuprofenExperiment #insomnia #memes #relationships #relaxing #Sheik #sleepDeprivation #sliceOfLife #vitaminB100Experiment #Zelda

The last of the Sheiks!! I included this one even though she's not in anything but Ultimate because her outfit is different from the others!She's wearing the Sheikah outfit from BotW/TotK.

The plan is to hopefully have these guys as a sticker sheet but my question is... how many of you are interested in that?

#LegendOfZelda #SuperSmashBrothers #SuperSmashBros #SuperSmashUltimate #SSB #SSBUltimate #Sheik #SSBSheik

Delicious Things

Hey, everyone. Lazarus here again. I have been in a sort of soupy atemporal sea of time and space in my brain. I busted one of my phones a few days ago, so I was running things exclusively off my laptop for a bit there, but I cannot wrap my brain around blogging on my damn laptop for some reason after integrating, hence the lack of posts. I don’t know why. For some reason, I just couldn’t post from there. The thought of typing a thousand or more words on there just seemed fucking impossible after getting so used to typing huge volumes on a phone. So I suppose laptop typing in large amounts is Banned for reasons unbeknownst to me.

I know a lot about how my mind works, but I don’t know everything. I am slowly learning, however, that when I’m too tired to even think of approaching a task, I probably shouldn’t push through the fatigue and instead let it rest. So that’s what I did. Frankly, I’m glad I did, too, since I started chronic pain flaring properly from stress and how damn cold it’s been in Milwaukee of late. So I had to mentally play ER doctor and decide what was important to take care of right the fuck now, and what could wait until later. Well, it’s now later, and here I am, haha.

The phone I’m using now has phone PTSD of some kind, I fucking swear. I dropped it in the tub back in late May/early June of this year, and even though it was only partially underwater for maybe ten seconds tops, it acts as though it was waterboarded in some top secret facility someplace and often outright refuses to charge, only semi reliably cooperates with a single fucking cord, and only fucking charges AT ALL when my relationship with my partner Zelda is going well. So there’s that. Temperamental little bastard. I normally like a challenge, but I do not enjoy challenges of the phone PTSD variety. But hey. At least it’s working… For now.

Speaking of Zelda and challenges, their blog was down for the count for a while. So a few emails back and forth with the web hosting people later, their blog is back up and running and they are writing beside me. Sheik, an alter in their system is out and about currently, and this babygirl is pressed up against me to share body heat because our ancient furnace that heats the place bit the dust sometime last night.

So she’s been in talks with the property manager that manages both the Zelda System’s place and Emerson’s to hopefully send a guy out to fix the damn thing as soon as possible. It was supposed to be fixed this past spring, but that never  happened. It’s beginning to sound a lot like people need to get their shit together in here. There’s a lot that needs fixing in both places.

Relationship wise, things are.. Stabilizing more, I think. I made some breakthroughs on my side of the ongoing Zelda/Emerson/me polyam drama during the past few weeks while I’ve been sick and flaring and have had little to do but rest and think, so I’ve been doing a lot of resting and thinking. I realized during this period of One Big Long Fucking Think that I tend to not really feel many emotions of my own that I can describe until they’re so fucking big and obvious that I can’t help but put a name to them and they’re sort of exploding out of me in some way.

It’s not that I repress them, they’re just always six feet to the left, so to speak, and remain so small and vague until they are a big enough hairy ass deal that they’re so obvious that I HAVE to do something about what’s causing them.

And by then, externally, the thing that’s causing them has brought me halfway to a nervous breakdown from the sheer stress of it. And I have an even harder time attempting to explain WHY I am feeling a certain emotion because I can’t really trace an emotion back to its origin when it’s so damn small I don’t notice it’s there or it’s so vague I have no language for it.

Emotions also hardly ever happen at random for me. Like I will almost never sit there, even if I’m not doing anything else, and start feeling an emotion randomly that there’s no explanation for. It’s gotten to the point with my inner work that if I’m alone for long enough, I can shape my emotional state with precision with playlists. And I have a playlist for damn near everything.

What I do pick up on, and feel all the time, however, are other people’s emotions, often far stronger than my own, especially if I know them well and we are very close. So if Emerson, whose emotions are very strong, is upset, I will hear him out and want to take his side instinctively. Same thing with Zelda, etc.. So this has created an interpersonal three body problem of sorts, to use a metaphor from astrophysics, with myself as the third body in the emotional middle getting tugged back and forth.

So I’ve had to consciously start learning how to pull back and sink back into my own body and energy and do shit that recharges me when I notice myself getting emotionally burnt out or stressed, which happens a lot, and actually feel through the situation myself to get a read on how I actually feel about the situation at hand and figure out a course of action that will cause me the least amount of stress or headache. Since I’ve started doing that, shit has gotten way better in all of my relationships. I’ve gotten better at judging when I have the mental or emotional capacity to handle a situation in the moment or if it needs to wait.

All of that has lead to me taking a sort of soft break from posting on social media, as well, and I only really go on Facebook and Instagram to check messages and occasionally grab memes and shit. I’ve rarely been posting on either due to information overload, which was contributing heavily to my stress.

So… Magic. Huzzah.

I think that’s enough for tonight, y’all. My brain is starting to get tired. Stay tuned for more magic, beloved entities of various voids. I’ll be around when I can summon the energy again, haha. This flare is kinda kicking my ass.

-Lazarus

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#adventures #alchemy #alexithymia #angerManagement #cptsd #Emerson #healing #introspection #milwaukee #polyamory #ramble #Sheik #Zelda

Another Sheik down!! This time is the Sheik that would've appeared in Twilight Princess and was used for Brawl/SSB4. I can say that looking at the models for Brawl and the concept for TP...Other than a few changes it's the same design!

And just like TP Zelda, it was a pain to figure out some of the details.

#LegendOfZelda #TwilightPrincess #SuperSmashBros #SuperSmashBrawl #SSB4 #Sheik

Continuing with Sheik, give it up for Hyrule Warriors! Just like her Zelda counterpart, she is a bit more detailed than a couple of the other Sheiks.... but man was she way easier to draw than HW Zelda!

#LegendOfZelda #HyruleWarriors #Sheik #HyruleWarriorsSheik #Zelda #LoZ

Took a pause from drawing all the Zeldas to start with drawing all the Sheiks. There will be four in the end, so have the first and original, Ocarina of Time!

#LegendOfZelda #OcarinaOfTime #Sheik #FanArt #Zelda

Well, hello, everyone. 

It’s certainly been awhile, and much has happened. For starters, the system appears to have integrated into me, something a long fucking time coming but still very unintentional. I’m a single consciousness made up of the sumtotal of all of the ​alters in here, but simultaneously my own thing. Call me Lazarus. I use they/them pronouns. 

In truth, I don’t know how the integration happened. I’ve been more focused on the implications going forward. Emerson has taken the news far better than Zelda, who has been devastated on numerous levels and has embarked on the same sort of self destructive spiral that led to my system breaking up with them for a second time. I appear to take even less bullshit than the system did pre-integration, so while I love them so fucking much, this shit hurts to the point where it’s deeply insulting (because we told them from the jump that if they fell into old patterns again we would break up with them, this was their last chance) and I will not compromise my peace for love, money, fucking anything. I didn’t go through everything I did, go through all of the shit necessary to put myself back together in record fucking time, just to be wrenched apart again because I was a fool for love. I’m better than that now. 

Emerson is hauling ass, though. Among the myriad implications ​of this batshit integration is the fact that I now have every memory the system has ever recorded at the same emotional depth and visual clarity in which it was logged, which results in stunning, 4K HD clarity cPTSD and is excruciatingly painful. He’s helped me through some viscerally awful triggers that he himself set off unintentionally on occasion like a goddamned champ and I keep falling more in love with him every time every time we do it. It’s ugly. It’s brutal. But it’s also unimaginably beautiful and I wouldn’t trade this process for the world. 

I was telling him last night that it felt like what I was dealing with was the emotional equivalent of being run through the heart by one of those wooden shish kebab skewers, except it was about two feet long. You can’t remove the skewer quickly or I’ll be fucked six ways from Sunday faster than you can cry for help, and because the skewer is wooden and flimsy there’s a potential for splinters to break off and be carried elsewhere and cause far more complex damage. It’s a mental and emotional suffer shot/stab wound combo. If I am going to be okay and healthy after this, it must be approached carefully, skillfully, and slowly over time. 

So, in short, I am more okay and less okay than I have ever been. I’m whole, but I’m heartbroken. I’m fucking eating myself alive. There’s much to be done, but gods, do I love a challenge. That has not changed, and I doubt it ever will. And I still love​ y’all very much. Stay tuned for more magic. 

This has been Lazarus, flying solo… 

PS. I’m debating on whether to keep Open Sorcery password protected or not? We’ll see. 

https://opensorceryy.co/amidst-the-chaos/

#cptsd #dissociativeIdentityDisorder #Emerson #integration #introspection #polyamory #postTraumaticGrowth #queer #Sheik #whereTheFuckIsMyInternalScreamingTag #Zelda

Hey, everyone. My name is Tamsin (he/him). I was recently dormant for around a year, and it seems that I have emerged in the midst of a cascading shitshow and frankly I’m annoyed at Eight. Allēna alluded to a PTSD attack of epic proportions yesterday, and that’s due to Eight going through a whole lot of shit in approximately August-December 2022 and apparently not telling a goddamn soul about it. I have no fucking clue how he managed to go through all that fuckshit and not tell anyone about it, save for when he crafted and released our album Metacognition, but when it was triggered yesterday, much to the people involved’s horror, they heard about it for the first time.

I knew we were private, but I had no idea we were that private. So we ruined what would have been a happy moment for the Zelda System and a dear friend of ours by having several dozen flashbacks over the course of about ten hours as the full ramifications of what Eight had gone through hit Allēna with the force of a category five hurricane.

So yeah. I’m done being so private. The others in this trauma ridden brainhole can do whatever the fuck they want, but I hope they follow suit. And I’m going to be 100% honest with you here. We aren’t doing well. Before that set of fabulous PTSD breakdowns, Allēna was already one more goddamn thing away from a PTSD breakdown because last weekend, a friend of the Zelda System’s, who we shall call Midas, decided to simply Arrive in Milwaukee, giving those in the Zelda System no notice, expecting to stay at their place, trying to get them alone any chance he could, proceeding to drag them all around town, and dropping loads of cash on them when they were visibly tired and burnt out. Midas coordinated this with everyone who’s locally in their life but them, including their bosses, and when he got in, he arrived at their work first, completely blindsiding them.

Everyone we spoke to about the situation said it was fucking bizarre and we kept getting a fucking awful feeling about what he was doing and everyone in the Zelda System was massively uncomfortable, so eventually my headmate Tindwyl stepped in and made himself the bad guy, citing the absolutely true nature of our agoraphobia and sleep anxiety to try and politely get Midas to fucking go back to where he came from and stop being such a fucking creep. Suffice it to say that this didn’t go over well with Midas, and before he skittered off all the way back to whence he came, he called us controlling and has not contacted the Zelda System since. Mission accomplished, and they felt relieved after the fact. We can handle being seen as controlling by a guy we really didn’t like anyway if it (consensually) keeps our partner safe. However, that fuckshow threw everyone off for the next few days, and we’re still dealing with residual bullshit from it.

Additionally, Emerson is developing some pretty fucked heart issues and has a narrow window where he could get treatment once they’re bad enough to treat, but if he misses that window, he could die from any number of ways his heart could say “fuck this, I quit”. And she’s stressed out about having to make rent along with that because Emerson still has not found work when she’s struggling so bad herself and can barely muster the energy to reply to people, forget performing any kind of services for people or writing crowdfunding posts. Hell, I’m surprised she hasn’t spawned 30 new fucking alters with how stressed out she’s been these last couple weeks. She’s said on numerous occasions that what is going on with Emerson feels like watching our father die all over again.

Then what should have been a happy moment occurred when the Zelda System got with a mutual friend of ours, only to set off the breakdown because there was a whole lot of trauma there due to an interlocking shitshow involving all of them back in ‘22 that I can’t really blame any of them for because MY DAMN HEADMATE APPARENTLY DIDN’T SAY A FUCKING THING ABOUT HOW MUCH HE WAS HURTING?????? TO ANYONE???? So nobody did anything wrong here, except Eight, who is now fucking AWOL off gallivanting somewhere in the ether, which I’m not pleased about. He heard the news and peaced the fuck out. I haven’t a damn clue when he’ll be back. Allēna, for her part, is resting down near the replica of Lake Erie which we still have in our headspace. This has taken a great deal out of her.

Now, I’m trying to help Emerson work through some problems in his relationship with us, though I’m not dating him. It’s slow going and frankly I’m kind of aggravated with him, but we’re making headway slowly, so that’s good, at least. I’m taking a break to write here because I swear if I don’t put all of this down somewhere I’m gonna fucking explode. However, we’re gonna reconvene in about an hour so he can work through some sticky points in a writing project he’s doing. I don’t know how much help I’ll be, but I sure as fuck want to try.

Anyhoo… stay tuned for more magic, y’all. We’ll be around. 💛

-Tamsin

https://opensorceryy.co/the-perils-of-being-private/

#agoraphobia #annoyance #beingPrivate #eight #Emerson #introspection #lore #polyamory #ptsd #ptsdMeltdown #Sheik #Xavier #Zelda

Hey, peeps. This is Allēna. My PTSD is kicking my ass today, but at least y’all get cool art out of it. We appear to be that special kind of creator that gets even more inspiration when our trauma comes back to kick our ass, taking us from decently prolific to FUCKING ON FIRE creatively in order to cope with the emotional pain of it all. Today has been no exception. First up is a poem that spilled out of me this morning before I went back to sleep for about three hours:

Let’s set the scene 
The year is 2019
I wake with the dawn and simply try and breathe -

You give me tools and time and I will build my way through this rage 
I will sing and chew my way through the bars of 
this cage

Five years later and I still can’t sleep
I still feel stuck with the cards close to my
concave chest 
When will the craving subside? 
When will I stop hungering for more? 
Nothing short of everything? 

They couldn’t take my mind
No matter how hard they tried 
They couldn’t strip me of the things I’ve seen
They could never quite dull the hunger in my eyes

The dawn breaks anew and I lay in a room 
still trying to spread these battered wings
surrounded by nothing but windows… 

And then I got inspired again this evening and painted what my synesthesia makes of “Didn’t It Rain” by Songs: Ohia, one of the songs that sonically shaped our album Metacognition. The PTSD attack is pertaining to the events that set off the hot streak that caused Eight to write and record the bulk of Metacognition, so I figured painting a song that he had on repeat at the time would help get some of the emotions out, and it did. I wasn’t present during that time, so I’m essentially having to process someone else’s trauma right now and all I know to do with it is make art and talk about art. I feel like a mess, even though logically I know it’s pretty damn healthy to process shit this way. Here is the painting for y’all:

I’m not really okay, y’all, but I deal with shit like this regularly enough that I know how to get through it safely, and y’all get cool art in the process. I’m over at Emerson’s currently, but once I’m back at Sheik’s I or whoever else is in front will probably drop some more spare room roaring on here. 💛

Fucking flashbacks.

Anyway…

Stay tuned for more magic!

-Allēna, your traumatized, if hyper-prolific, super-admin. Fuck PTSD up the ass with a Joseph cactus. 😭

https://opensorceryy.co/yay-ptsd-art-for-the-people/

#cptsd #Emerson #flashbacks #introspection #ourPoetry #paintings #processingTrauma #ptsd #ptsdFlare #Sheik #songwriting #synesthesia #visualArt

Hi, everyone! This is Allēna. I don’t know if “synesthetic” is actually a word, but for the purposes of this post, it is now because I’m tired and I need a word for “pertaining to synesthesia” or else I’ll never get around to writing about a lot of the shit my system makes. I want to write about it sooner rather than later because we’ve been tapping into our synesthesia hard. We’ve also not really been able to write on here much these past few days and I missed it, so even though it’s the ass crack of dawn right now – 3:25 AM as I’m typing this – I’m making a point to write. Our sleep cycle is fucked and so I’m leaping on an idea while I have one.

I joined a Discord server on a whim the other day that seems to cater pretty heavily towards fellow neurodivergent synesthetes. One of the things users could opt into were reminders to unmask their neurodivergence. I always need those, so I opted into all of them for the hell of it. It’s been working wonders for our creativity over time. Hell, it’s probably why we’ve been writing as much as we have, the server is full of reminders to intentionally tap into queer joy and synesthetic imagery. It feels like home.

Consequently, these reminders have started getting us to make more visual art. Castor painted this abstract portrait of Sheik yesterday:

And then today, I painted one of our friend Delta’s songs, “Return”:

I’ve really missed painting. It’s one of those things that Fang never really understood during our marriage and made me feel like shit about. He couldn’t see the meaning in the colors and placements. It sucked, but I’m glad to be getting back into it now that we’re supported.

In the coming weeks, we’re going to be playing around with ways to make DIY pen/paintbrush/pencil grips so that we can hopefully get back to writing longhand and creating traditional art without it fucking killing our joints. We’ve been stuck in executive dysfunction hell. I hope my doctors can get my ADHD meds refilled so that I can actually do things in a timely manner again instead of feeling like I blink and fourteen hours pass. At least I get to make cool art out of it..

Anyway, stay tuned for more magic, y’all!

-Allēna

https://opensorceryy.co/two-new-synesthetic-art-pieces-a-bit-about-unmasking-for-us/

#catharsis #discordServer #docIalizingAsADisabledPerson #Fang #queer #Sheik #stoner #synesthesia #visualArt

Hey, this is Allēna. I have a really bad stomachache, so I don’t have a lot of energy to write right now, but I do want to share this crop top Emerson got for me. I’m bisexual, but I do love it when women.

It says “live, laugh, lesbian” on it. I love it. The gas bubble seems to be clearing up, so I think I’ll ramble a bit more…

Speaking of gay behavior, Sheik is cuddling me off and on while she writes on her blog (that Castor actually executive designed and Ceryse built for her) and is being very cute. Earlier I concocted this bit on the fucking fly about hypothetically running for President as a joke. This had a very tired Sheik in stitches, which made me get butterflies in my stomach to see, honestly. However, the scary part about this is that we would probably win that way, and then become a meme lord of a POTUS as a result. Hell, there were like two years running there where my headmate Eight was actually fucking deified on the Internet because he made a joke about being someone’s god one time. I have a doctor appointment tomorrow with my physical therapy doctor and she’s coming with, so that will hopefully make things a lot easier on my agoraphobia..

I was also feral on a Discord call with our friends Min and Ella while hanging out Emerson earlier. Min said that calling me had the same energy as texting me, so I was being no stranger than normal. This was a massive relief – I’m absolutely unhinged IRL, just about as much as I am online when I don’t mask. So it was nice to be seen and loved for that.

Well, I think I’m going to wander off and sleep now. Good night, y’all! Stay tuned for more magic!

-Allēna

https://opensorceryy.co/live-laugh-lesbian/

#Ella #Emerson #Min #ramble #Sheik #sliceOfLife

Hey, everyone! This is Allēna. I have no idea what to post today and I’ve been up all night trying to find words. Nothing is coming, so have this bullshit instead. I made it for one of Emerson’s headmates, who is from Ohio yesterday.

That’s it. That’s the meme. It’s 4:45 AM and there’s nothing in my brain.

Nothing bad has happened, I am just pleasantly loopy and I have a very precious member of the Zelda system curled up around me. We shall call them Georgia. Georgia and Sheik often share duties in the system and it’s fucking great. I love them both. I think I successfully turned my brain off, too, which is a good thing. I very rarely reach a state where it feels like my brain is off in a way that’s pleasant. Occasionally it feels like it’s off because it’s shoved full of chronic fatigue cotton balls. This is not that. If it were off due to the chronic fatigue, the Georgia cuddles wouldn’t feel half as good as they do.

We also saw Emerson tonight and my headmate Val kissed him. It was odd to watch, since before tonight, I wasn’t sure if she even liked Emerson, but I suppose that’s settled. However, this is not a bad thing by any means. They’re very cute.

Now, here’s hoping the brain turns back on again soon… Until then, it’s eldritch Ohio hours. Hehe.

Stay tuned for more magic!

-Allēna the Incredibly Loopy (and Happy) Super-Admin

https://opensorceryy.co/have-a-meme/

#Emerson #fluff #Georgia #IMLoopy #meme #Sheik #sliceOfLife #Val #Zelda

Hey, everyone! This is Allēna once more. Today was very nice. Castor was in front for most of a lovely evening with Sheik. He feels so safe with her that he willingly and eagerly went grocery shopping with her. This is a rare occurrence for any of us, as we don’t generally enjoy going outside due to severe agoraphobia and fatigue. But our marijuana mental vacation Castor began this past week has only continued, leading us to relax even more deeply with Sheik, Pendragon, and Emerson as well as to feel more adventurous after the sun goes down and we don’t have to worry about taking sun damage when we go out. So Castor got ever so gently baked and he and our darling Sheik went shopping.

Castor was very nervous about how the body would handle having to walk all around the store in shoes that would likely hurt the body in ways so fucked we wouldn’t even realize it until tomorrow morning, so Sheik suggested that he ride in the shopping cart. Yes. You read that correctly. She wanted to push him around in the goddamned cart. So Castor said fuck it and put his gremlin ass in the cart and remained there to the delight of our fellow customers and the cashier who checked them out. We’re under the impression that Castor has fans now for simply being his disabled gremlin self and riding adorably in the shopping cart while a very sleepy and affectionate Sheik pushed him. He documented their gremlinry both in photos and on Tiktok. I shall share one of the fruits of their fucking iconic labors below.

Castor, being baked to fuck, had no shame about climbing into a damn cart like he was a tiny kid when he’s an actual full grown motherfucker, and because we have the charisma of some kind of eldritch fucked up demigod, especially when we’re stoned, he not only didn’t get in trouble, he seems to have made several people’s night and definitely felt closer to Sheik after that. It was fucking precious.

I’ve noticed a lot of that happening lately, actually. When we face our shame head on in some form and just do the damn thing we’ve been wanting to do, sometimes for years, the results are almost never as bad as we’re afraid of them being. Often, the results are lovely. I’m not sure if that’s a byproduct of us approaching these situations with confidence and charm or what, but it feels really good to feel safe in vulnerability. I don’t have any memory of when the last time we felt this safe was. I don’t know if we’ve ever felt as safe as we do.

I’m still scared the other shoe is going to drop in some way, but that’s a small and currently very quiet part of me compared to how it used to be. That part of me used to be extremely loud whenever I felt happy or vulnerable in any way, but now it’s much quieter. I am starting to feel safe to be my weird gremlin self without fear of social punishment, as are my headmates, for the first time any of us can recall.

It’s weird, but it’s good. So…watch this space for more updates as we continue to explore this mental state and experience. And, as always, stay tuned for more magic!

-Allēna, (she/her), very confused but happy sorceress and super-admin

https://opensorceryy.co/nightcall/

#adventures #agoraphobia #Castor #chronicIllness #Emerson #joy #Pendragon #polyamory #queer #Sheik #shopping #spontaneity #stoner

Hey, everyone. This is Allēna again. This will likely be quite a brief post, as I’m very tired. Today was good, in part because Castor went and dropped about a hundred bucks that we had on hand at our favorite headshop down the road and got some legal good shit and a water pipe for his trouble that looks like uranium glass.

Bills are paid (or will be able to) and so we decided that we get to treat ourselves a bit with the leftover money while saving the rest. I’m glad Castor did. He seems to have accidentally purchased some top shelf shit, though, and we have no tolerance anymore after taking a several months long smoke break. The results have been interesting, to say the least.

Just this morning, I scared Sheik’s tiniest cat shitless because the bowl I had smoked was too big and I was having a panic attack. I have no idea WHY she got so scared, but I do know that being around intense emotions makes her scared, and I was intensely frightened. Poor baby love. I will do my best to make it up to the sweet thing later. She seemed to enjoy it initially and even asked for scritchy for a little bit during the first few minutes before I started panicking too bad.

Once I can calm my fucking brain down, that’s when it gets interesting. The system has always enjoyed a good sativa strain, but the headshop didn’t seem to have any, and we wanted a hybrid, anyway. So Castor got his hybrid. He ended up picking up a roughly 50/50 split hybrid strain. And let me tell you – the combination of mind and body high is fascinating once we actually realize that we’re just stoned and anxious, we aren’t about to have a damn seizure.

It’s almost like the conscious mind takes a backseat and the body takes on a life of its own. What we do think consciously is more or less free from any kind of distortions caused by trauma. Castor got high with Sheik the first time and was entranced by her beauty more than usual. I think this was because once his enormous panic attack finally subsided, his fear was almost…muted and he was able to see himself as he actually saw her without need for the elaborate defense system our traumatized brain put in place. From what I can recall, it was beautiful.

My bowl this morning was similar. I had smoked too much at once, so after I’d convinced the body and mind that I was sufficiently safe, it was as though I saw the world in vivid, intense, lovely color. It was early afternoon and golden light was pouring in through the windows. Then the body got very horny. Like obscenely horny. So I started masturbating and, unbound from the elaborate defenses, the body simply did its own thing while we took a backseat. Good gods, I lost track of how many times we finished. We’ve never been able to do something like that before in our entire life. I felt as fucking beautiful as the afternoon coming through the windows.

Hell, there were so many fucking orgasms today that when I sobered up a bit, I went over to Emerson’s and ate basically my body weight in pizza and cheese (to start) and while his attorney alter, Pendragon was watching a movie, I fell deeply asleep while cuddling him for about 2.5 hours. Pendragon is a deep love of mine and feels very safe, so it was a lovely nap. The pain is better, even when I am sober, too. But the body feels like it’s been hit by a train in a great way. Shit.

I’ll update with more findings as time goes on, but we seem to have uncorked something..

Stay tuned for more magic! For now, though, it’s sleep time…

-Allēna

https://opensorceryy.co/marijuana-tales/

#beauty #bliss #brainThings #Emerson #hybrid #marijuana #NSFW #Pendragon #sativa #Sheik #stonerTales #topShelf #waterPipe #weirdShitTheBodyDoes