don't worry it's almost over

I don't feel like doing any work today.

Just say the server's down because of a massive DDoS attack or something.

How many factors of authentication are recommended when storing customer records in plaintext?

Don't worry, I also hate it here.

How likely are you to recommend the Torment Nexus to a friend?

0️⃣ Not at all likely
1️⃣
2️⃣
3️⃣
4️⃣
5️⃣
6️⃣
7️⃣
8️⃣

🚨 Receiving alerts on the weekend? 🚨

DON'T PANIC.

Rest assured knowing:

* the dev who wrote the bug
* the PM who prioritized it
* the director who created the artificial deadline
* and the exec who laid off QA

Rest assured knowing that they are all enjoying a relaxing weekend.

Good luck.

We're all counting on you. 👍

For a liquid-cooled machine you sure do complain a lot about the heat.

Why do you need petabytes of data and billions of GPUs for a model to occasionally produce the wrong answer?

Your executives are able to produce wrong answers much faster and more consistently

All systems are operating properly and everybody is really impressed with your work.

Management loves AI and you can too.

Tell your boss that the new version of the monitoring tool is ✨ AI-enhanced ✨

Redirect all alerts to the dev team.

✨

Machine Learning is a great tool to offload unnecessary human tasks to computers, such as:

* reading
* writing
* deciding whether to play Global Thermonuclear War

It would be nice if devs understood how modern Unixes worked rather than repeating some parable of 1970s era computing

If user data is so precious then why do users part with it so readily?

There are a lot of people asking whether I am susceptible to Downfall attacks.

At this point in time, I would rather not speculate.

Software!

The cause of

and solution to

all of life's problems

This has always been a zero trust architecture

Insofar that I have never trusted any of you.

Cloud computing is as infinite as your budget

Do not fear artificial intelligence.

There clearly is not enough of the organic variety.

This is the world now. Logged on, plugged in, all the time.

To meet corporate sustainability goals, I have disabled garbage collection for all applications.

Developers will now have to reduce, reuse, and recycle memory.